The Post Which Might as Well Be the Last

Hey Everyone,

As I can already see the end approaching as this internship winds into its final 3 weeks, there is already so much to reflect on.

I write this as I would write a post to sum up the entire CEED as when I reach the end of my time here... I will no doubt be swamped on partners meetings, parties and goodbyes.

The things I have to say here touch on the very fabric of internships and I have put an enormous amount of thought and time into considering what exactly I should write here. If you were to only read one post, if you were to only understand one tiny bit of my experience (of which some who are still making comment do not grasp), if you were to take one sentiment from my entire AIESEC Adventure I implore you to take this post as my final word. The final few posts during my time here in Kenya will focus on other aspects, totally outside the realm of AIESEC and internships and my feelings surrounding my time here… so read this like you would read my will because this will be my last testament to that regard.

Arriving to Kenya was just the eye-opener I was looking for. When I decided that fateful night in a shack in the northern parts of Saskatchewan to take on this particular challenge I knew what it would spell…

I was tired of having everything go my way; tired of the life which I had calculated out since the beginning of my scholastic career leading me down a path of seemingly pre-determined outcomes.

I needed that change. The alteration of perspective which would shove my life one way or another… to change. Having never been out of North America I knew that the changes I would experience would be difficult no matter where I went. So I decided to give my self the “full on” test. Africa, I decided, would be the best testing ground to see what I could take, to see what sort of stuff I was made of; to determine if all of the praise I had given myself to being adaptable to change in my environment had been well-founded. If I was going to be challenged, let it be the biggest challenge I could face. Skip that middle step of venturing outside to get a taste of a slightly new culture and jump both feet into the radically different world I thought existed.

When I arrived here for the first two months I was miserable. In a combination which I now see amounts to a heavy dose of culture-shock a touch of a superiority complex and a sprinkling of insecurity I let the feelings of isolation, dependence and depression take hold of my life. All that I had imagined the world to be was different than anticipated and the unrealistic expectations I set for myself and my new country had been shattered. Even while I was exploring this beautiful country I was still plagued by a feeling I can’t explain… even now that I am recovered from it… that I was empty as an individual and therefore forgot about my reasons for leaving the familiar comforts of my continent. As a product, manifested a sort of view about Kenya that was as inaccurate as it was negative; demonstrating that view in my blog. While my recovery has been enhanced by having a house, regaining my independence and becoming involved in my work… the real recovery has taken place in the way I have rebuilt myself.

In ultimately realizing I was not the person I had imagined or made myself out to be, I had been destroyed. Devastated as a human being it was then time to recreate myself. They say, "You cannot learn anything about yourself until you let go of everything you knew" (well… Fight Club said it). That was it.

Having been across this country, seeing things that even those living here have not and seeing those who have nothing but are still willing to give you everything… I could not think of a more ideal place to learn the things I have. What I have learned… I will not begin to touch on. My perceptions of people, my ability to show patience, the definition of generosity… all taking cues from this experience. There is no point in including any of that on here anymore.

Now, after realizing that I have essentially ruined the first two months of my time here with my negativity, I have taken every opportunity to do what I imagined what I would do the first two weeks I was here. Getting to know the people, embracing the culture and understanding the REASONS for the differences I have been pointing out on this blog.

I thought: “Those in North America know not what it is like to suffer, to be devoid of opportunity and privilege due to the circumstances of their birth… we are lucky”. That sentiment has not been changed by my experience here, everyone who is seeking to be a leader in their own communities has to know what it is like to be devoid of choice. What has changed has is my thought on my original statement. It makes it seem as though in some way we have to see that which is WORSE to understand something… It is now my perspective that we need to something DIFFERENT to better understand ourselves.

Was it fun? In more ways than can be described. Was it educational? The learning points I have gained have been, and will be echoed throughout my remaining posts. Was it worthwhile? If I was offered a chance to go anywhere else in the world to gain infinite amounts of leadership experience… it would NEVER replace the self-reflection/realization session I have dumped myself into.

Was my time here ideal? Absolutely not. Was it difficult? You betcha. Would I change anything? In no way shape or form.

If something can be so enlightening, so enriching, so exciting and so fun and yet still rip you down to a stump of a human being, allowing you to display your private faults on an open forum in a manner which can only leave questions in the minds of those reading… Was it a success? Hell ya. Hell ya.

For those of you who look on this and think that everything I write here is jaded, short-sighted and inaccurate: you are free to contact me via e-mail… you have my contact and I will respond… but for those of you who will look back on this blog at the beginning of your own internships wondering if your experience will be like mine… worry, stress and vex that you will end up a shattered human being who has had his basis of understanding of the world altered… I encourage you to forget everything you have read in an effort to ENSURE your experience IS like mine. If you go home without being shaken to the core, being forced to re-evaluate your entire life and your thoughts throughout it: You have NOT had an experience which will shape your life forever. You have had an experience which you can mark on your world map under “places I have been” rather than “places which have impacted me fundamentally”.

The things I have learned here will be applicable for years to come, and I still have 8 countries of lessons left, each one having the capacity to not only teach me something about that country… but more importantly, teach me something about myself in that never-ending process of self-discovery.

I hope that this gives a clearer picture to those haters out there who read my blog, seemingly religiously, to pick out logical and emotional flaws from the comfort of their home… hopefully it has impacted YOUR view of ME. While normally I wouldn’t even blink an eye before responding in a most condescending manner defending myself, it has been a realization of mine that UNDERSTANDING is more important than RESPONDING and I have a lot to learn from the world, even those who would pass judgment on those whom they never met or never had took the time to really get to know. To be a REAL AIESECer is to be a leader in the process of change. If a leader was expected to be knowledgeable, culturally understanding and globally ready… no one in AIESEC would be ready for a leadership position and AIESEC would lose its purpose. “AIESEC is the international platform for young people to DISCOVER AND DEVELOP their potential to have a positive impact on society.” Hmm… Seems like an organization for those who are looking to pass judgment on others going through a difficult learning experience… sounds like an organization for the socially repressed in our world to tear into those who are in the midst of expanding their horizons… If this was the case, to “discover and develop” would just be words to be recited by those who would preach their “open minded”-ness on one hand and hand out cut-downs on the other. We can see, of course, we don’t live in a world without flaw. There would be some who would see this organization as a stepping stone to enhance their own “superiority”. While it may have been that way to me before I left… it has certainly become “the international platform for Devan to attempt to discover and develop his potential to finally become a well-rounded human being”.

Put that in your comments,

Devan